MY BIRTHDAY SPLURGE INCLUDES AN UNINVITED PLUS-ONE
Q: This year happened to be a milestone birthday. I budgeted to be able to comfortably splurge on a nice restaurant and invite my closest friends. When I got there, I saw an unfamiliar face. One of my friends brought their relative who was visiting from out of town. I was speechless. Not knowing what to do or say, this stranger joined us. How could I have handled it?
A: I hope your friend offered to pay for their relative.
Your friend lacked consideration by assuming it would be okay to bring their relative. Calling you ahead of time giving you the opportunity to say, yes or no, would have been the right thing to do. Why didn’t they? Did their situation take precedence over your special dinner? Did they know that you’d say no? Do you usually give in or not express opinions (a pushover)? Are you usually a more-the-merrier type?
How you could have handled it:
After being introduced to the uninvited relative you could have:
- matter-of-factly said, “I hope you understand, but this is an evening I’d like to share with only my closest friends.”
- privately spoken to your friend expressing how much you’d like them to stay, but understand that they need to spend this time with their relative.
3 ways it could have gone down:
- Convince you to let their relative stay by offering to pay for their meal. “They’re loads of fun!” Or, “Their birthday was last week!”
- Burst into a huff because you are being unreasonable.
- Angrily leave, taking their guests with them.
What your friends could have done instead, is apologize for being not asking you in advance; join you without their relative by sending them to dine elsewhere.
FINAL THOUGHTS:
Bringing uninvited guests is overlooked, even expected in some cultures. In your case, it was intimate enough to think twice about bringing extra people. If you wish to maintain the relationship, talk to them. Let their response be your guide on how to proceed.
The above etiquette tips are general, subject to interpretation, specific circumstances, and personal perspective. There are always more options. If your concern is ongoing and/or escalating, seek professional assistance from a trusted source.
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